The road thus far

I have always enjoyed kinky sex and making people happy. I wandered innocently into my first BDSM chat room in 1998. I was amazed. Here were people talking about and acting out things I had only fantasied guiltily about.

I was a complete newbie. I didn't know the lingo, the protocols, or any of the people there. I sat and watched. I read things I didn't understand and I went and researched them. I created two usernames; one dominant, one submissive and I watched and learned. Luckily the chat room I stumbled into was populated with people who were genuine and sane.

So with my limited knowledge of BDSM and of myself I decided that I was submissive. Female dominants were whip wielding, leather clad and scary. That wasn't me. I was a people pleaser, a nurturer. I liked making people happy so I must be submissive. Perfect. Let's begin.

I met a Dom. I fell in love. I was getting tied up and spanked and getting all my kinky sex needs met, but there was a problem. While I often enjoyed fetching things for him and doing things around the house at other times I resented it. Why should I get up and get you a drink? Are your feet broken? Why do we have to eat there? I wanted to go somewhere else. I could not force myself to call him by any honorific except in bed and even then it was hard. Also I found that it was beginning to be hard to reach orgasm unless things were just so, the way I wanted them to be. So I topped from the bottom.

So of course I thought something was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be the perfect submissive that I saw all around me? Why did I resist so much? Simple, I wasn't submissive.

This went on for years! Madly in love with a man but not able to be what he wanted, what I thought I wanted. I was unhappy for a long time.

Then we both began to do some soul searching. To get in touch with the real us. We had always been honest with each other but now it was time to be honest with myself.

One day it clicked for me. Just because I wanted to make people happy and not walk around clad head to toe in black leather didn't mean I was submissive. I could be in control without sneakily doing it from the bottom. I could fetch a drink for a person because it pleased ME to do so. I could be nice and nurturing and still be a Domme!

Because honesty is important, and communication is one of mr fetishes, I shared this with the dom I loved. He wasn't happy. He was loosing his submissive. His stubborn, bitchy submissive but still. He felt betrayed. That I had been lying to him all this time. We talked. A lot. Soon he began to see that I had been lying to myself as well and that my change wasn't a negative reflection of his dom skillz but a positive awakening of my deepest inner self in the safety of his unflinching love.

Today we both identify as dominant type people. We are also poly so we each seek a person to meet our needs for a submissive outside of our relationship. I don't think our 15 year relationship has ever been stronger.