Update

I've been away. It's time for an update.

I'm currently unemployed, by choice. My job of 6 years ended in November when my patient passed away. I had been working privately and decided to join an agency. They were so happy to have me that I was assigned a client before finishing their two day "training" program.

However,  when I tried to work my shift I felt sick. When it was time to work the second shift I had a panic attack! I can't take care of someone else when I'm having issues, so I quit.

And now I'm taking a break before venturing out again. It's nice not having to follow someone else's rules, but I do miss that extra money.

In other news, my Bear and I are almost 5 months into our relationship. This is the longest D/s relationship I've managed and I think it's going very well. We've both had some negative experiences so we've been moving a bit slowly but things are progressing nicely.

Kissing

To me kissing is one of the most intimate things I can do. I can count the number of men I've kissed on one hand. There are people out there who have had my mouth on most areas of their bodies, but not their lips. 

But. 

You were kneeling there, hooded with only your mouth free. I was pulling hard on the chain between your nipple clamps. You tried to resist moving forward. (I never get tired of watching the internal battle to stay still) Your lips parted as you gasped with the pain. 

Eventually, blind and in pain, you stumbled closer to me. And as I leaned forward listening to your moans your mouth was right there. Open slightly, tongue quickly licking over them, soft, and inviting. And so I kissed you. I felt the shift move through your body as I breathed your breath, caught your moans with my mouth. 

And now I can't stop kissing you, even when your poor lips are bruised with bite marks. 

Sadistic pleasures

You're in pain.

Your hands are clenched, your body is rigid, your breathing is ragged.

You're unrestrained.

You could tell me to stop. You could defend yourself. You could get up and walk away. But you lie there and let me hurt you and it's absolutely delicious.

Occasionally your hands move to protect yourself and I wait. I know it's hard to lie still. And I get a fresh surge of tingles when you move them away again, opening yourself to more.

Thank you.

The things I want

One who isn't submissive to others in his day to day life but who submits to me, not because I'm female, not because he's horny but because he wants to submit to me specifically.

A gentleman. One who comes around the car to open my door, offers his arm, helps me off with my coat, pulls out chairs, rises when I leave the table, kisses my hand.

One who has a sense of humor and can joke and play can be a mischievous brat, not an annoying one.

One who is intelligent enough to be a smartass but knows when to behave as well.

One to whom I am important, who counts the minutes until he can see/speak with me again.

One who will pamper, massage, brush my hair, etc without expecting anything in return except my pleasure.

One who will curl up on the floor by my bed at night hoping to be invited up.

One who needs to kneel by my feet, bound and wanting, being of service, or just with head against my knee while I absentmindedly play with his hair.

One whose ass (or anything else) I can grab in public. Into whose ear I can whisper naughty things and torture with anticipation.

One who wants to be owned. To be mine. Who wants to be marked as my territory and property. Who wears a collar in private and something vanilla friendly in public so he is reminded often that he belongs to me. Whose orgasms, along with everything else, are mine. Who begs for permission to cum for my amusement, to be of service in any way I desire.

One who is respectful, but asks for what he wants when he wants it. Sometimes the answer is no, but I want to know what was wanted.

Someone who will allow me into their head, tell me their most secret desires but also about their day.

One who will be my dirty sex toy to play with in whatever way I want whenever and wherever I want, my table or footstool, and my sweet pet that craves affection, cuddles or a game of fetch.

One who calls me mistress or ma'am and means it.

One who is honest 100% of the time. When I ask a question, I want truth, not what the other thinks I want to hear.

I want to bite and suck and scratch and taste and caress and kiss and smack and pinch and nuzzle and smell and own.

I want to be a source of comfort on a bad day, a soft place to fall during trying times.

I want to redden his ass and then fuck it or be fucked by him depending solely on my mood.

On power and the exchange thereof

Kink is fun. Spanking, pegging, blindfolds and ball gags are all fun. A. Lot. Of. Fun. But what really gets my juices flowing (literally and figuratively) is the power exchange.

To be my happiest Domly self I don't need any tools or outfits, hell, I don't even need the sex. I need the power.

In previous relationships (or things that could've become relationships) I've said I wanted control. But I realize now that that is not entirely accurate. Which has probably screwed me a time or two.

Telling someone you want control implies that you want to control what they wear, eat, do with their free time, or the frequency with which they orgasm. But what I actually want is the power. More specifically I want the power to choose what I do and do not want to control.

Even more specifically I want/need someone to GIVE me that power. For me, it needs to be their choice to submit to me. I need someone to be mine but I also need them request to be mine, to offer themselves up.

Then I will happily take the reins (possibly also literally and figuratively).